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May 29, 2006

Educrat Scramble: Suspended for Trafficking Caffeine

 

 

The AP reports that a Pennsylvania middle school munchkin was suspended for sharing caffeinated gum. The girl was sent home for three days (which was almost as severe as had she been caught with a Bible).

 

According to the story, the superintendent Amy Palermo explained to reporters presumably that the girl’s contraband – Jolt Gum from the makers of Jolt Cola – is "a stimulant that has no other redeeming quality.” So Ms. Palermo admits the gum’s being a stimulant is a redeeming quality? Oh yeah, this is public school…

 

But I’m glad our public school administrators have their priorities right; after all, what can be more serious than caffeinated gum? Two pieces of the offending “stimulant” are just like… teacher’s cup of coffee.  

 

The administrators, over some coffee, say it’s simply out of fear the gum could be given to a student with a heart condition. But what about migraine and asthma sufferers?

 

I have to wonder what can only come next: A student gets sent home for sharing a regular pack of chewing gum with another student because he might be diabetic – or a diet pack of gum because the other student might be allergic to artificial sweetener. Let your imagination take flight, dear reader. What if student A offers to loan student B her sweater but doesn’t know student B is allergic to wool? I’m certain our wise administrators won’t be too sheepish to step up to that dilemma. Then there’s that rare disorder which causes a person’s heart to stop when he or she swallows anything cold (this is related to the body’s being falsely triggered into thinking it’s going into hypothermia). Perhaps while we're at it we offer all school administrators a three-day suspension for having refrigerated drinking fountains in the schools (which by the way, are not good for otherwise normal overheated bodies or sick bodies).

 

You know, maybe the best way to go is to ban everything and make students come to school naked in their own plastic bubbles with built-in porta-potties (with no lunch breaks naturally because food can be a stimulant).

 

Enforcing a ban on chewing gum across the board in school is reasonable, don't get me wrong. Banning it because it contains caffeine however, and only enforcing the ban on distrubution but not possession is rediculous and only makes as much sense as a California drug law. I see the signs now: illicit gum-ban enforced within 1500 feet of a public school.

 

Too bad Johnny can’t read the sign and Jane’s too pregnant to come to class.

 

On the up side, I’ve now discovered Jolt gum and shall henceforth be packin’ for sermons, lectures, dull dates, and a host of other occasions.

 

 

RELATED: Jolt supports our armed forces. Not a bad idea how they do this either: free caffeinated jolt gum for our troops in Afghanistan, Iraq, and other hot spots, where the need to be alert while going for days without sleep can be common. It might even be a life-saver for our troops (another reason no doubt liberal school administrators would dislike Jolt).

 

 

Posted by Martin at May 29, 2006 02:07 AM

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