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April 06, 2006

PLANET MORONIA: On the Meaning of "Is"

Because English is so tricky newcomers can't even figure it out

 

I wonder if the federal government might be missing an entire group of people to whom it could grant amnesty to build a stronger economy and find creative new sects of voters. Perhaps our government would be willing to wink at its hardworking citizens who violate the law the same way it does for illegal alien non-citizens. After all, family values shouldn’t stop on this side of the border, either.

 

So I came up with a few ideas President Bush, John McCain and some of our other heroes in Washington could begin to implement on our behalf, as they do the people’s business.

 

I think such a bold initiative would encourage commerce and creativity, and be good for the country… even if some of those things might be a strain on our hospitals, schools, and other sectors of the economy in the short term.

 

Here are a few talking points to help them in persuading other voters this is a good idea. We can have someone from each of the below groups explain simply and unapologetically so:

 

I'm not a tax cheat, I'm an undocumented income earner

I'm not a pirate, I'm an undocumented music downloader

I’m not a terrorist, I'm an undocumented airline activist

I'm not a speeder, I'm an undocumented important person

I'm not a jaywalker, I'm an undocumented street crosser

I'm not a drunk driver, I'm an undocumented airbag tester

I’m not a shoplifter, I’m an undocumented product tester

I’m not a murderer, I’m an undocumented euthanizer

I’m not a perjurer,  I’m an undocumented executive story teller

 

And perhaps our sympathetic and understanding friends and loved ones will buy these as well:

 

I’m not an adulterer, I’m an undocumented polygamist

I’m not a spendaholic, I’m an undocumented government worker

I’m not a lazy couch potato, I’m an undocumented flu-sufferer

I’m not a liar, I’m an undocumented creative thinker

I’m not an amnesty proponent, I’m an undocumented Jimmy Carter

 

Posted by Martin at April 6, 2006 05:32 PM

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